steven wright fans out there?
i just ran across a list of quotes from the comedian steven wright. (how i ran across the list is not important right now). i just thought i would share some of my favorites. if you don't know who this is, trust me, you would laugh much harder if you can see him saying them. oh wait, i guess you can see him do some of them, he has clips on his web site. by the way, the quotes here came from this site
anyway....on with the quotes.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out...
So then I filled the humidifier with wax and left it on. Now everything in my house is shiny.
I recently moved into a new apartment, and there was this switch on the wall that didn't do anything...so anytime I had nothing to do, I'd just flick that switch up and down...up and down...up and down....Then one day I got a letter from a woman in Germany...it just said, "Cut it out."
I put instant coffee in my microwave oven and almost went back in time.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time."
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?"
I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are furious!
Power outage at a department store yesterday, Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
What's another word for thesaurus?
I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep" I said "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."
Today I...........No, that wasn't me.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.'
Four years ago..............no, it was yesterday.
I've writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.
enough
j
anyway....on with the quotes.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out...
So then I filled the humidifier with wax and left it on. Now everything in my house is shiny.
I recently moved into a new apartment, and there was this switch on the wall that didn't do anything...so anytime I had nothing to do, I'd just flick that switch up and down...up and down...up and down....Then one day I got a letter from a woman in Germany...it just said, "Cut it out."
I put instant coffee in my microwave oven and almost went back in time.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time."
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?"
I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are furious!
Power outage at a department store yesterday, Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
What's another word for thesaurus?
I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep" I said "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."
Today I...........No, that wasn't me.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.'
Four years ago..............no, it was yesterday.
I've writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.
enough
j
posted by J at 11:31 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home