Wednesday, January 21, 2004

ok, i've got this thing figured out

in the last few weeks i have felt like i ought to take a look at this whole elction thing from an intelligent, informed perspective. i mean, i'm 33 years old, i have three kids who's lives supposedly will be affected by the outcome, and i'm an american dang it, i should care!
so in my quest for knowledge (?) i watched the state of the union address last night and then the democratic response and then spent some time on the internet reading various responses and thoughts on it. here's what i learned. 1) our country is "strong" -- why does everyone feel the need to say that? 2) there is no intelligent informed perspective. political discourse in this country has turned into a series of "your mama" jokes. everyone has a stated goal that sounds great, but no one seems to have a clue in the world how to get there. everyone thinks that the opposition is not just wrong, it is "evil".
apparently though, that doesn't matter. with all of the reading and watching and listening i have done over the last few weeks, i have realized there is not a candidate who reflects me. while this is probably a good thing for the country as a whole, it stinks for me because i feel like i have to vote for someone or i am a bad american. truth is, i probably am one anyway.
late last night however, i came up with a solution. in order to avoid another bush / gore, BCSlike paper champion, we need to settle this election where is deserves to be settled.


so coming Nov. 2 to pay-per-view, live from the Ford Center in scenic OKC (well, why not?)

Election 2004: The War to Avenge Al Gore!

featured matches include:
Toby Keith v. Moby and all three Dixie Chicks
The Rev. Al Sharpton vs. The Rev. Al Green in a coal miner's glove match with the loser having to change his name forever! vs. (you'll have to check them out to understand.
special ladies match - Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton vs. both Bush daughters
old timers match - Ted "dead, but don't know it" Kennedy vs. Strom "really dead" Thurmond
and then on to the main events. that's right we have two! this show is too big for just one.

for the democratic nomination

a battle royal where all 34 demoncratic contenders will face off in the same ring trying to throw each other over the top rope. last man (or whoever) standing in the ring wins the nod. special guest ref - Jesse "the Brain"(?!) Ventura

and to determine the next president of the united states. . .

a steel cage, winner takes all tag team event pitting Michael "Dude Where's My Country" Moore, Al "Lies and the Lying Liars who tell them" Franken, and Molly "Buchwhacked" Ivins vs. their arch-rivals Bill "The Factor" O 'Reilly, Sean "Deliver Us from Evil" Hannity, and Ann "Treason" Coulter. the team that can come up with the most outrageous bit of spun information wins! special guest ref Ross Perot (don't you miss him?) will make the final call. don't miss the commentary by Howard "Hogan" Dean and Arnold "the governator" Schwarzenegger. surprise guest Pat Robertson will announce before the match who God told him the winner would be.

only $49.95. call your cable or satellite provider today!

all proceeds go to the society for almanac prevention (yep, the SAPs)

ok, i'm glad to have that out of my system. maybe i'll just move to iceland instead.

i miss macho man randy savage
oooooohhhhh yeeeeaaaaahhhhhhh!


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