old grief

I haven't been around much the last couple weeks. Truth is, I haven't felt like writing or doing much of anything else for that matter.

Grief is such a weird thing. It seems to lurk in the shadows, waiting for the right moment and then it hits and tends to pile on. Missing my grandfather (that sounds wrong). Missing Pop on Opening Day. Finding a picture I hadn't seen of my dog that died last summer. Hearing a name and seeing a picture and remembering all of the hurt of broken relationships and accusations and a situation that spun so out of control so fast, there was no way to repair it. Unkept promises. Open questions. Expectations unfulfilled. Hope deferred.
Old grief is hard. It's not the sobbing wailing hurt of new loss. More of a sad resignation that life is what it is and has been what it has been and here I am. The sad smile of remembering what was and was lost. It's being stuck with people you don't really want to be with, but you can't seem to get away from.
I know on the other side of these feelings are determination and hope and vision and possibility and life, but not tonight. Tonight I'm hanging out here. Not wallowing, just experiencing. Life is all of these moments too, we just don't ever want to have them.
Joy comes in the morning.
j